This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
