I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
