Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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