ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
