whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
