There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
