Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
