just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
