M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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