She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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