I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
as a side note pls kill me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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