I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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