i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
