i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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