My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
