Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
