you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
And then he peed in my hair
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