Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
