Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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