i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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