Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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