mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
