I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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