i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
