Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
