Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
