we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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