Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
