Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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