Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
