i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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