If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
