Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
