I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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