Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
