so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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