The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
