I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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