and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
