the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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