What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
