I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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