sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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