i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
