Do you still have your period?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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