The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
barbara walters just said penis...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
