Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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