70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
