I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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