Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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