I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
