I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
