so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I still have a little drunk in my system
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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