Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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