He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
