I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
