you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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