I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."