I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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