Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he fucked my hip out of place.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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